is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
