I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
