Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
