The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
