so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
