Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
