Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
