Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
