When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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