mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize