I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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