All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
