Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
