Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
