Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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