I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
