Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
