How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
