Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
