Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She bit a glass in half.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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