I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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