I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
