last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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