you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
