hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
