Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
