then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the day after is always just damage control
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
