I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
