Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
