You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
