Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
