My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize