I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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