Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
