I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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