Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
