The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize