Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Randomize
