I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
