I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
