Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
