I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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