I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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