a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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