john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
