fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
