I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
