I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize