Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
