Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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