if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Mom said you looked used
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
