Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
