I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just googled if crying burns calories
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
