I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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