sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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