quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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