I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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