I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
