my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She told me I should be a condom model.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
